"It's not enough to say that we're ok. I need your hurt, I need your pain. It's not love any other way. Let's not pretend, stop your parade. Trying to convince me that you're alright and everything's ok. Do you even know me? 'Cause I already know who you are, and all the things that kept us apart. So reach in and touch My scars and know the price I paid for your heart."
-Tenth Avenue North "Any Other Way"
I feel like sometimes I base my opinion of myself on what others think of me. It has been a while since I have realized this and I have since been working on not letting other's opinions form me. There are certain situations where I want to be perceived as a strong person, afraid to admit my struggles and weaknesses that others may think less of me, but I know that the Bible calls us to do this in order that we may be able to cling to the power of God in our lives. In the description of my blog I said that I would be writing about my hardships and struggles and I don't think I have been entirely honest about it. Having said all that I have decided to write here in my blog more honestly about my struggles here in the Peace Corps, not trying to tailor my blog entries to an audience telling what I think others want to hear, but just be honest to myself and those that truly want to know who I am and how I feel. I have frustrations and downfalls that I really do not want to talk about but I feel like if I don't then I won't be able to grow and work past them, learning from them and allowing them to help me grow.
One of the struggles that I have been working through is the struggle to maintain my values. I have been challenged so much more than ever before to hold firm to the standards I have for my life and not let the influence of others change how I live my life and what I believe in. Since coming to the Peace Corps I had strayed from these standards I have but quickly came to realize that was not how I wanted to live before and it will not be the path I take now. I am thankful that I was able to realize my downfalls before they went too far. Looking back I know it was the wisdom that the Lord has given me that has allowed me to maintain my way on the narrow path I have chosen. Choosing to hold firm to my decision of this narrow path has left me struggling to find good Christian community here. Peace Corps is not an organization of Christians but of people from all different walks of life. I have really enjoyed meeting so many different people and have been excited to listen and learn about how they 'do life' but I long to have fellowship with other believers.
I have come to realize how much I am really giving up being here. Spending time back home for Christmas was great but it also reminded me of how much I am really letting go. Transitioning back to being in Guatemala has been a challenge but it is for sure easier that when I first got here for which I am thankful. I have however been dealing with some anxiety issues since being back. I pray that with time and patience and a renewed relationship with God I will be able to see through this and overcome and one day be able to look back and see all that I have accomplished.
Prayer request:
-that I may be able to get back into the swing of things and have decreased anxiety
Praise:
-thanks to God for all He as shown me and for how much I have grown.
-for new friendships :)
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